Looking Back and Forward on September 11

Eight years ago today, the world changed when four planes piloted by terrorists on a suicide mission of hatred crashed into the two World Trade Center towers, the Pentagon, and a field in Pennsylvania.

For me personally, a lot has changed in those 8 years but some things remain the same for all of us:

• Those who died on September 11 are still gone and their families probably miss them all the more. If I lost my child that day, the pain would, no doubt grow with each missed birthday and watching others age while their lives were cut so short.
  
• The world is still filled with people who hate Americans simply for being Americans. I think our leadership is making some progress to improve our global reputation.I do know that I no longer feel embarrassed when our President steps into the spotlight around the world. I'm thrilled that we are being represented by the smartest guy in the room and not the one who provides so much fodder for nighttime comedians.
  
• Unfortunately, we are still at war in Afghanistan and in Iraq and people are still dying--American soldiers and innocent citizens of those foreign lands who have absolutely nothing against us as a nation, unless of course you count feeling a little pissed off about their homes being bombed.
  
• We still have no plan in place to provide affordable health care for all Americans. I'm holding on to hope that the Obama administration will pass some form of health care reform during this term but I suspect the final bill will lack a lot of the punch I heard and liked in Obama's speech last night.
  
• The world and those of us who inhabit it are inherently good. I can forget that some days--particularly when I watch Republicans on the news, hear about another child abuse case, or deal with Mr. X--but I really do believe that most humans want to do good and not just do well. When I go into the world with that attitude and not with the defensive mind set that tells me everyone is out to screw me, I usually attract kindness and love.

MBTA Fare Hike is No Fair!

The MBTA is raising fares...again. This time, the proposed hike is 20% which , if you have a Charlie Card, figures out to be 34 cents per subway ride. If you take the train to and from work for 5 days a week, like most people, that's an addition $3.40 each week. Public hearings on the fare increase began this week. I plan to attend and, guess what? I won't be siding with the MBTA on this one.

The thing is...it's really not fair. (This isn't video so you'll just have to imagine me stamping my foot while saying that.) I don't have statistics but I'm guessing the median income of the average T rider is significantly lower than those who drive into Boston all by themselves in their gas-guzzling SUVs. AND, those drivers are already getting breaks all over the place. Gas prices have gone down--for the time being anyway (insert evil laugh here BOOOOHAAAA)--so visits to the pump aren't constant reminders of how much they're ruining the environment. The Federal government has twice funded its Cash for Clunkers program, where the more well-off and recession proof drivers can afford to buy a new car are actually rewarded with cash money for the previous, environmentally irresponsible purchase.

The auto industry has been bailed out to the tune of $15 Billion for failing in their mission to manufacture and sell cars that burn fossil fuels. I think we would have all been better off doling out that money to the Detroit factory workers, waiters, and other people who would have suffered if the auto manufacturers would have gone out of business. Reward them for their hard work and retrain them to support an industry that would survive in our current economy.

But I digress. Back to those of us who ride public transportation in Boston.

I might not mind about paying 20% more for a bus or train ride, if I was going to get 20% more in service. Perhaps the drivers who navigate my ride on the "high-speed trolley" from Ashmont to Mattapan Square could slam on the brakes 20% fewer times for each ride. I'd pay for that. Will the increase mean that there's a decrease in accidents? What about train delays? Will I no longer have to leave a 30-minute cushion to ensure that I make it to my doctor's appointments on time?

How much money was spent on the "Big Dig" not counting all the corruption that's uncovered each week so we could fit still more cars on the expressway and so all the solo drivers wouldn't have to sit in traffic? But by all means, raise the price of getting to work for all of us who opt out of the rush hour gridlock or don't have enough money to afford a car.

Regular T and bus riders--whether or not they are completely car-less-- share their commute with hundreds of other people and put even Prius drivers to shame in terms of reducing our carbon footprints. So why shouldn't we be rewarded for this environmentally responsible behavior instead of being penalized? Did you ever hear about a bus rider killing someone while drunk driving? It can't happen, because we aren't driving and I'm pretty sure alcohol consumption is frowned upon while riding the bus. You don't see talk shows covering the issue of Public Transportation Rage.

I'll say it again. The proposed MBTA fare hike is NO FAIR. Where's our stimulus package?

Being Heard

I love writing angry letters. Once or twice a year, I feel pissed off and passionate enough to write a letter to an editor or a corporation or a hospital or an ex-husband. OK. For the last one it's definitely more often than that.

I heard a WBUR story last week that prompted such a letter. I posted the letter on this blog. The thing that pissed me off was that the story talked about how terrible it is for non-custodial dads when they lose their jobs and their terrible ex-wives insist on getting child support. (Since I'm aware of my biased opinion, I will post the link here so you can read it for yourself.)

The same day I sent my email feedback, I received a note from the reporter, Monica Brady-Myerov. I have a lot of respect for her. She agreed that the story was missing the perspective of a custodial parent and asked me if she could interview me for a follow-up story.

Well, in addition to being a good reporter, Ms. Brady Myerov is a woman of her word. She came to interview me yesterday for a follow-up story she's doing for a national public radio show--Marketplace Money. Unless there is some breaking economic news, the story should air this Sunday.

My favorite part of the interview wasn't even on tape. We were talking about how she found many groups that represent the interests of non-custodial dads but none that are for custodial parents. I told her that there were no such groups because we didn't have time to organize them or attend the meetings!

I did not bash non-custodial dads in my interview. I just pointed out that, as a custodial parent, I would be charged with neglect if I didn't provide my children with food, shelter, clothings, etc. so why should a non-custodial parent not be liable when they don't contribute their fair share toward paying for those expenses.

My interview will probably be edited down to a sound byte or two combined with other voices, but I'm still pretty excited. I disagreed with something I heard, sent a letter that clearly expressed my anger in an appropriate way, and my voice was heard. I love having a voice.

"An activist is someone who makes an effort to see problems that are not being addressed and then makes an effort to make their voice heard. Sometimes there are so many things that it's almost impossible to make your voice heard in every area, but you can sure try."

- Joanne Woodward

Still Sad

I realized today that my MS denial is fading. You can read all about it on my other blog, if you're really interested. 

Dead dad and boyfriend breakup denial is alive and well, though. 

I pass my dad's phone number in my cell phone contact list all the time. At least a couple times a week I see "Dad" and think  "I need to call him!" 

And then I remember and feel sad, and it's kind of like he just died.

I Facebook unfriended the newly ex-boyfriend to stop obsessively checking his status and it worked. After more than a month of no contact, I started feeling like I was OK and could maybe transition to a friendship.I remembered how much I enjoyed his company even with all our clothes on and missed his friendship. I sent an email and really, really, really believed I was just saying "hi" with no expectations.  

And then I got a response that did NOT say, "I love you, I miss you, and I am such a jerk for breaking up with you. What do I need to do to get you to trust me with your love again?"

And then I remember and feel sad, and it's kind of like he just broke up with me.

I know, because people tell me and I really, really need to believe them, that the level of grief that I feel is in direct proportion to my capacity to love now and in the future. I know how to open my heart and that's why it hurts so much right now. But that's why I will also feel that joy and warmth throughout my life.

I was able to repair my relationship with my father. Over the years, in our own way. I made amends, allowed him to make amends to me, I loved him, and told him so and allowed him to love me and tell me so. I said all that I needed to say and was with him when he was alive and well and when he was dying. There is nothing I could/would do differently. That's huge and I'm grateful.

With the boyfriend, I have some regrets but not tons.  I didn't pretend I didn't love as much as I did and I didn't pretend I didn't want to be with him as much as I did. I loved as fully and completely as I could and I was much more present and honest than I was in my marriage. I walked through fears, I learned to disagree respectfully, and so much more that I can't think of right now. I was not the perfect girlfriend. There are things I would do differently...do better, but I would not take back the realization that I wanted us to live together and blend our families. I would not take back sharing that realization with him. 

What I would like to change is that he didn't and still doesn't want the same things. That's sad. Still.  

I want a dual grief timer. I want to set one for Dead Dad and know that I have X amount of time left on the grief clock. I will stock up on tissue and when I start tearing up at odd times, I'll just tell people, "Oh sorry! I still have 9 months left of the acute Dead Dad grieving." 

The other grief timer will be dedicated to the Boyfriend Breakup.  I don't want to keep being surprised by my sadness. I want to know, "Oh, don't even worry about it! You're going to be sad for 6 more months and then you will be able to meet him for coffee and talk about your dating experiences with other people."

With or without the time, I'm still grieving and it sucks.

The Crying Hour

I had my first session with a grief counselor today. I called hospice looking for a group and they suggested I start with an individual counselor. I think they send you there first because they want to sift out the crazies before welcoming them into the group. I'm going to start the group next week. I guess I fooled her.

I spent the entire hour crying and apologizing for being pathetic. It was incredibly cathartic. I got validation that the circumstances surrounding my father's death were pretty awful and traumatic, that I was treated horribly by my sister, that I have a right to grieve just as much as people from normal families, that all of my conflicting feelings are completely normal, and that I have a lot on my plate what with the cat dying, boyfriend breakup, MS, full-time job, single parenthood, yada-yada-yada.  Apparently, my self-esteem has taken quite a beating and I need to give myself the time and support I need to grieve.

Who knew I didn't need to be Ms. Pollyanna Superwoman every single moment of the day?